Jibber Jabber

                I talk to myself. A lot. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have imaginary friends – but I have several imaginary acquaintances. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I assume not, since the few times I have mentioned it to people in passing (about how much I talk to myself) it always seems to be met with a look of bewilderment and me trying to backtrack and pass it off as a joke.

                But it’s really not a joke. It usually goes along 3 different paths. 1- I’m being interviewed (presumably in the future) about my life by a famous interviewer (ie. Oprah or Ellen), and I am telling them how I overcame my life’s obstacles to be in the position of imminent success that I (apparently) am in. 2 – I am having a break through moment with a friend (that I actually already have) that I have been wanting to have in real life for a long, long time. 3 – (and this one is most common) I’m meeting a complete stranger and for some reason something just clicks, and they understand everything that I say and mean to the fullest extent, and want nothing but to hear about all the intrinsic details that make me uniquely myself, and when they do finally speak it is only to reaffirm everything that I already believe about myself and about the world around me.

                I don’t know why I do this. Am I more insane than I like to admit? I will have extended conversations, to myself, with an imaginary voice answering all my questions inside my head. Not always, but if I’m left alone – in my bedroom, in a bathroom staring into the mirror, during a slow night at work- I will. Maybe I just like the sound of my own voice bouncing off the vacant walls and coming back to me with the brilliance and clarity that only true vanity can bring. Or perhaps this is why I feel somewhere within me that I must write – it is, after all, a more acceptable and concrete means of getting my own thoughts out and sorted in the world (in comparison to talking to oneself).

                I suppose this brings me in a round-a-bout way to my somewhat related, but not entirely, next point as for the upcoming month I will mainly be only talking to myself since next Friday I am off on the wildest adventure I have been on yet! I do not want to let this meager progress I feel I have had personally as a writer slide- but there is really no way around it as I will be who knows where in Europe with nothing but a locally purchased cell phone to keep in contact with my mother so that she will know that my sister and I are still alive abroad.

                Looking back at this post as I’m writing this, I suppose it looks a bit suspicious of me telling you of my potential insanity and then mysteriously “leaving”, however I have more than full intentions of returning at the end of August with my pockets full to the brim of fresh perspectives and new stories to share. I have loved every minute of writing into this dark abyss that is cyber space – thus this is hardly goodbye, and only talk to you very soon!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

                I feel as if I have been swept up into the great whirlwind that is my life right now. I had to register for my classes in the fall (yay!), I went to my sister's graduation this past weekend (crazy!), and am trying to tie together all the loose ends I can before my BIG trip this summer (have I mentioned it?) - all of which had been completely cramping my writing style.  

                On the note of my BIG trip – I’m going to Europe for a month on July 22^nd. I’m so excited since I have never been anywhere, but also nervous with all the new things I will have to figure out (and crossing my fingers that my hard earned funds will tide me over for the entire time + school in the fall). I cannot even imagine what it will be like, except exhilarating.

                These are our main stops:

Hanover

Berlin

Prague

Vienna

Venice

Rome

Paris

London

                Thoughts? Opinions? Favorite spots? I would love to hear your ideas.

               

                Also, here's a new song obsession - Let It In by Sam Roberts

Stone Cold Fox

             

               “Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be divinely beautiful?”

                Well, do you?

                What does it feel like? Is it different than the average human experience? Would you get used to complete strangers stopping you on the street, or in the grocery line up, or in the library, to tell you how beautiful you were? Would you expect little children to stare at you in awe and whisper in barely hushed, quavering voices “She’s so perfect!”.  Would you always get the feeling that the great love ballad at every rock concert you went to was strangely sung in your direction? Would you get more discounts than the next guy, or receive the best service at your local video rental store?  I could not say. I wonder if there would be a flip side to being divinely beautiful as well? What would the disadvantages be? Perhaps people making assumptions about who you were without getting up the courage to actually get to know you. Maybe others would think that you were a snob if you were just a bit shy. Would you have to prove your intellectual worth more than that chap with glasses? It could happen.

                It must be hard to not lose restraint on your vanity if every turn you make is greeted with an admiring glance. The only thing more obvious than blatant self adoration, is poorly executed modesty. In this world, you must be modest. When someone gives you a compliment, you must act as if it is the first time that you have heard those words of praise. How difficult that must be when you are told those same words several times a day by various people? But even so, above all else, modesty must be sincere. I have been told before (although, I’m not sure who their sources were) that an uncanny number of famous actors and celebrities have incredibly low self esteem. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that to be well liked (truly well liked) you must be sincerely modest; and with the talents, looks, and business savvy that your average celebrity would have, they would have to work awfully hard at telling themselves enough negative messages to equalize all the compliments and admiration they received in order to maintain the equilibrium of a modest persona.

             So maybe being divinely beautiful is not all it’s cracked up to be. Perhaps being average gives you more freedom to be genuinely touched and surprised at the compliment of a stranger. Maybe there is no stigma, or difference in sale price, and no higher rate of receiving a double take in a crowd. Maybe – but it never hurts to wonder. 

Picture from  http://www.postsecret.com/

To Whom it May Concern

Dear Derek,

                This letter may come as a surprise to you. You’re a friend of my brother’s, and thus as the saying implies, a friend of mine. It must be a few years now since I met you, and yet I have to admit my ignorance up until late to what makes you essentially yourself.

                As I have been becoming better acquainted with you, I’ve found the tidbits of your life to be nothing short of the intriguing character description of a well rounded hero of a classic novel or 1950s film. Facts such as that you work on a ranch, or want to pursue a career in psychology, or that you’re as terrible a dancer as I am, or that you were once a professional mime. These attributes override the actuality of your piercing blue eyes, and that you look nearly irresistible in a deep grey knit sweater reminiscent of my grandfather’s regular duds.

                Derek, I feel I must confess – I must admit my wayward feelings as simply as this: I think I’m platonically in love with you.

                It’s nothing to get freaked out about. It doesn’t have to be a “not you, but me” situation. I don’t want you to hold my hand or to lie gazing at the stars and talk about what we’ll name the children we’ll one day have.  I just want you to be around. I want to talk about our separate goals, dreams, and desires; and I want to know that as I look into your eyes and say these things, that you can see my soul. I want to be in love with you like Romeo and Mercutio, like Laurie and Jo (Little Women, anyone?), or Piglet and Pooh. I want to be the first person you tell when something out of the ordinary rhythm of your well orchestrated life happens, or the one you plan a spur of the moment road trip with, or the person who sits by your side for an evening’s worth of silent film entertainment.

                You understand, don’t you? Don’t you long for this too? The relationship without the expectations? The love without the pressure? I thought you would, I felt you had to. Well then it’s settled- let’s go out to a candlelit dinner and split the bill. 

Song: From Above - Ben Folds/Nick Hornby

The Rejects of My Labour: An Alien Allegory

     It's been a long week, friends, with too many stresses and duties and pressures. I got as close to insane as I ever want to get - but I feel like I may have made it out the other side? Well, either way, I'm back to semi-sanity and I'm holding on to it for as long as I can! Part of this week's stress was working on what turned out to be a fruitless project, however, I will share it with you (it's a bit of a story):

My Alien Ally

 I had a best friend, and she was an alien. She was not an alien in the gruesome sense of the word. She did not have bulging, pulsating eyes, or secrete ooze out of the tips of her fingers. She was not bald, or able to breathe out of fins, or covered in scaly skin the color of pistachio pudding. She was different in no ordinary way, and just a girl in every biological sense of the word. In truth, nobody knew she was an alien except for herself; and for me.  

                She worked with the rest of us. She ate the same food, she wore the same clothes – she often seemed very much the same- but she wasn’t. She was an alien. She was foreign.

                She knew it best when she talked with one of them. She felt it from the look in their eyes when she shared something deep, something meaningful, and they stared back in ignorant vacancy. She knew that she spoke the same words, but not the same language. She said these things to me once with our heads under the covers and a flashlight lighting her face. I hoped to be the only person who did understand her, but I could never be sure.

                Most days I think she was content with the knowledge of her otherworldly existence.  She loved this world for all that it was: for the feeling of the sun on her face, and sand between her toes; for the taste of cotton candy on her lips and the smell of an old friend to her nostrils. She loved the world, and she was in the world, although not of it.

                It was on a regular day that something strangely phenomenal happened. She was in her favorite spot outside amongst the trees, and the grass, and the shouting of children. She was sitting on a bench in a near comatose state: 9:00 am, 12:00 pm, 3:00pm, 6:00 pm, watching the leaves shimmer in the sunlight, and the grass whisper in the wind; and somewhere nearby was a slow caterpillar that had been stuck in a cocoon for too long, now stretching out and pushing the walls of his confinement with his newly shaped body. 9:00 pm - color burst in the last glow of sunlight as the new form of the caterpillar came to life. In the moment that the kaleidoscopic color flitted across her line of vision, her heart skipped a beat. It was something of a nervous tick that started in that moment, and then continued to make an inconstant stutter in the crevice of her chest with every third beat skipping like the flitting of the butterfly's wings.

             That night she had wild dreams of colorful parades, and meteor showers; revolution, and crusades. She slept with a restless mind, and woke to the same ramblings. She was not master of her own body - and that scared her. It was as if the simple things, the normal things, the things that had fit her into the regular world were crashing down and exposing her for who she truly was.

              Three nights and three days she spent like this - barely functioning to the outside, but inside suddenly understanding and feeling with a passion she had never accepted. On the third morning she awoke in perfect serenity. Somewhere between sleeping and waking she had found clarity - that girl, my best friend and confidante - the alien in my midst - was me.

A Juxtaposition

     I have been working on a bit of a project this week, so I have not had much time to think of a post for this week. However, in the meantime, I thought I would share a funny story from this week. Really, it's more of an image than an all out story. Anyways, as a bit of lead up, occasionally when I'm working at my evening job as a waitress I will add a bit of entertainment to my night by trying to guess what a guest will order for their meal (sometimes you can just tell if a person is a pasta or burger person). A few nights ago I had three BIG guys come in - very rough and tumble, unkempt, and dirty from working outside. Instantly I thought to myself, "a pitcher of beer and three steaks - probably rare,". As they sat down I came over to introduce myself and say my little waitressing speal as I got their drink orders, the biggest guy of the group answered for all of them, "Can we have three glasses, and a pitcher of lemonade?"

-and then they each ordered a salad and nothing else.    :)


P.S. Listen to the song above for some extra feel-good vibes while you're (hopefully) enjoying a sunshiny day!

Growing Pains

                “You used to be younger! You used to be shorter!” my 8 year old cousin Jake cried out to me in accusation this past weekend, “You used to play all day with us!”

                I felt a pang of guilt as I remembered the times I had chosen to sit around and talk to grown-ups rather than run around with my younger cousins. “Have I turned into one of those lame adults now?”, I wondered to myself. It seems ever since Jake reminded me that I am not young anymore, there is another reminder after another reminder that keeps his words fresh in my mind – “YOU USED TO BE YOUNG!”

                I still feel young most of the time. I feel the youngest and the oldest when I work in schools. With the staff I feel like this punk kid who does not know what to do or where to do it, yet to the students (the younger ones at least) I’m just “old”, and it’s fine and good for the job that I do.

                The age I’m at now is a bit of a transition period. A part of me is still that carefree child who believes in things just “working out”; the other part is learning how to do all these grown up things that I relied on others to do for me so that things would just “work out”.  The deeper I find myself engrossed in this transition, the more I realize that the illusive “adult” who always had it all together - and knew how to apply for VISA’s and book a dentist appointment - is really not so different from who I am today. I have realized the more human aspect of “The Grown Up”. They still have irrational emotions, unfulfilled dreams, and dreaded acne break outs (I thought of all things,  I would have conquered the acne break outs).

                People who know me well often comment that I am an old soul. To be honest, I often feel as if I am forty years old inside. I have not completely decided if this is an enviable quality or not. I suppose as long as it does not take away from the spontaneity of youth , and as long as I am happy and content with my forty year old interior (which I am). My conclusion, then, is this: that I am content at the stage I am at. It comes with its stresses and pressures – but what age doesn’t? I am going to try harder to spend more quality time with the little people in my life too; because life is short, and sooner than later they will be the ones in this transition realizing that they are more like the adults in their life than not – but still wishing all the while to be just a kid.